


30 Rock of Horrors

by volunteerfd



Category: 30 Rock, Little Shop of Horrors (1986), Little Shop of Horrors - All Media Types, Little Shop of Horrors - Menken/Ashman
Genre: Comedy, Crossover, Hallucinations, Humor, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:27:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22538536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/volunteerfd/pseuds/volunteerfd
Summary: A quick little crossover script where Liz goes in for a dental procedure and finds herself in Skid Row.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	30 Rock of Horrors

**(INT: Dentist Office)**

Dentist: Good to see you again, Liz.

Liz: I don’t really have a choice, do I?

Dentist: No, you do not. Now, this procedure can be particularly unpleasant, so I highly recommend some laughing gas…

Liz: No. Last time I had laughing gas, I wound up dating an irritating Welshman. And the time before that, I almost got engaged to a fussy Brit. And the time before that, I met Wesley in the waiting room. So no laughing gas for me.

Dentist: As you wish. (turns on the drill)

Liz: No! No! Stop! I want drugs!

**(CUT TO–A camp-gritty, stylized New York street. Liz wanders around, like Dorothy entering ~~Oz~~ )**

Liz: Where am I? Is this…is this the set from my college production of Little Shop of Horrors, where I did the tech and understudied Audrey Two? (She spots two figures sitting on a stoop) Urchins!

D’Fwan: Don’t call us urchins, girl. We got names. That’s Angie.

Angie: And that’s D’Fwan.

Liz: And you’re gonna sing the song now, right?

Angie: The song?

D’Fwan: What song?

Liz: You know. (trying, weakly) _The alarm goes off–_

D’Fwan (pushing her out of the way and belting): _The alarm goes off at seven_

_And you start uptown_

_You put in your eight hours for the powers that have always been_

Angie: Sing it, child!

D’Fwan: ‘til it’s five PM–

Liz: Wait, aren’t there supposed to be three urchins?

D’Fwan: Yeah, but the other one thinks he’s too good for us ‘cuz he went to Hartford.

(Toofer enters, dressed exactly like Seymour Krelborn.)

Toofer: You’re putting me in the role of a street urchin?

Liz: Er…

Toofer: This is so offensive. Look at me! I own Rick Moranis’ glasses from the movie! Find someone else to do this.

Liz: Uh…I guess there’s Tracy, but…

Toofer: You don’t know any other black people? 

Liz: I met Oprah on an airplane once…

Toofer: You want Oprah to play a street urchin. OK, I’m out.

(He walks away. Danny enters, giving it his all)

Liz: Ew, is this better?

D’Fwan, Angie, Danny: _Uptown you cater to a million jerks_

_Uptown you’re messengers and bathroom clerks_

_Eating all the lunches at the hot dog carts_

_The bosses take your money and they break your hearts_

_Uptown you cater to a million whores_

_Disinfect terrazzo on the bathroom floors_

_Your morning’s tribulation_

_Afternoon’s a curse_

_And five o’clock it’s even worse_

_That’s when you go–_

(Cerie starts to make an entrance, but Jenna shoves her out of the way)

Jenna: Downtown, where the guys are drips

Downtown, where they rip your slips

Downtown, where relationships are no go

Down on Skid Row

D,’Fwan, Angie, Danny, Jenna, all fighting for dominance: Down on Skid Row

(Kenneth emerges from the Skid Row Flower Shop, hauling trash bags and discordantly cheerful)

Kenneth: _Poor!_

_All my life I’ve always been poor!_

_I keep asking God what I’m for!_

_And he tells me “Gee, I’m not sure–sweep that floor kid!”_

_Oh! I started life in the ether, a golem made of peat_

Liz: **What.**

Kenneth: _Here on Skid Row_

_He took me in, gave me shelter, a bed, crust of bread and a job_

_Treats me like dirt, calls me a slob, which I am_

(He straightens his slightly crooked tie and cheerfully jumps in the air)

All: _Gee, it sure would be swell to get out of here_

_Bid the gutter farewell and get out of here_

_I’d move Heaven and Hell to get out of Skid_

_I’d do I don’t know what to get out of Skid_

_But a hell of a lot to get out of Skid_

_People tell me there’s not a way out of Skid Row!_

**(INT–Skid Row Flower Shop, which is basically Jack Donaghy’s office filled with plants for sale. Jenna dusts a window.)**

Liz: Did the set just change around us?

Angie: Yep. We are omnipresent observers. You can’t interact with the others, just us.

Danny: Unless there’s a scene where we function as characters instead of a Greek chorus, but–oh, you’ll figure it out.

(There’s a crash from a back room.)

Jack (Tevye-esque): Kenneth! You meshugganah. The tsuris you give me. I let you into my misphoceh and feh! 

Liz: Oooh, that’s not good.

Jack (Irish brogue): Ay, laddy, you best watch them taters afore the famine gets ye.

Liz: Nope, not that either.

Jack (normal Jack): Kenneth! 

Kenneth (off-screen): Yes, Mr. Donaghy?

Jack: Kenneth, what is going on back there?

(Kenneth emerges from the back room.)

Kenneth: Sorry, Mr. Donaghy. I was just taking care of this strange and interesting plant I got. I call it the–

(He looks adoringly at Jenna)

Kenneth: Audrey Two.

Jack: Terrible name. 

Kenneth: What about Tracy?

Jack: Kenneth, it is your right to name your discoveries whatever terrible name you want. You found it, it’s yours. 

Kenneth: Tracy it is!

(Jenna stops dusting the same spot she’s been dusting the entire time)

Jenna: What a day’s work. I hope I didn’t wear my arms out before my date.

Jack: You’re still seeing that no-good lout? 

Jenna: He’s a tech mogul!

Jack: Every man nowadays is a “tech mogul.” What does he own that he can touch? If he vanished to an off-the-grid island, would the lights go dark on the mainland? Would the economy collapse?

Jenna: He’s an innovator–he’s the only man in his field. And unless I get a better offer…

(She starts to sidle over to Jack and he quickly moves)

Jack: There is a midpoint between scraping the bottom of the barrel and aiming…into the stratosphere. I trust you will discover it. Kenneth, watch the shop while I’m away.

(Jack puts on his suit jacket and leaves)

Kenneth: I don’t think you should keep seeing that guy.

Jenna: Why? Because you’ve been in love with me the entire time? And you’re also secretly rich and just took this job at a flower shop to find a woman worthy of your lust and wealth?

Kenneth: No, it’s because every time I see him, he puts me in a headlock and gives me a noogie, and I don’t care for that at all…Pardon my language.

Jenna: Well, that’s just his way. I better get ready. He likes being the latest. 

Liz: Who is it? Who is she dating? (a motorcycle revs) Oh no…

(Dennis slams open the door)

Dennis: _I am the Dennis!_

Urchins: _He is the Dennis!_

Dennis: _I have a talent for causing things pain._

Urchin: _Pain!_

Dennis: _I am the Dennis, the inspiration for the word “mansplain.”_

Urchins: _He won’t shut up!_

Dennis: _My favorite movie’s Jaoquin’s The Joker_

_But I think Jared Leto’s legit_

_Because I am Dennis_

_And I’m a shit_

Hey, loser. Wanna buy another beeper? Just got a new shipment in from 1998. 

Kenneth: No, thank you! I still haven’t used the six that I bought. No one else seems to have one, so it’s really hard to talk to people.

Dennis: It’s not about communication. It’s about the battery. See, you break open the battery and then you…(He puts the battery up to his nose and inhales deeply) 

Kenneth: Oh my goodness! Are you using the beeper as a…as a d-r-u-g?

Dennis: Only if you think drugs are cool addictive substances that alter your brain chemistry.

Kenneth: I think that’s what they are.

Dennis: Huh. Loser. (inhales) 

Jenna (emerges from the back room): I’m ready! 

Dennis: Alright. Just gotta stop at my store first for some inventory. You never know who’s gonna want to buy a beeper. (to Kenneth) Smell you later, weirdo.

(Dennis and Jenna leave)

Kenneth: Well, it looks like it’s just you and me, little plant, alone for the night. How about we snuggle watching Lucy on our big, enormous, twelve inch–

Tracy: Feed me!

Kenneth: –screen. Pardon?

Tracy: Feed me!

Kenneth: I just gave you water and fertilizer. Should I roll you out to craft services–

Tracy: Nooo! Must be blood! Must be fresh!

Kenneth: I don’t think they sell that at Duane Reade…

Tracy: I’m dying here! Feed me!

Kenneth: Does it have to be human?

Tracy: Feed me!

Kenneth: Does it have to be mine?

Tracy: _Feed me, Kenneth. Feed me all night long._

Kenneth: Oh, no. This is getting too sexy. Fine! I’ll get you whatever you want. Just–don’t use that voice anymore. (He self-consciously covers his crotch with his hands.)

**(INT-Dennis’ Beeper Store)**

Liz: These set changes are making me nauseous.

Angie: Fucking deal with it. You’d rather walk?

Liz: Uh…good point.

(Dennis walks in)

(Dennis rummages through a cardboard box filled with batteries and inhales a few of them. Kenneth is crouched behind a table with a gun.)

Kenneth: _Now, do it now_

_While he’s gassing himself to a palpable stupor_

_The timing’s ideal and the moment is super_

_To ready and fire and blow the sick jerkhead away_

_Now, do it now_

_Just a flicker of pressure right here, right here on the trigger_

_And Jenna won’t have to put up that pig for another day_

_Now. For the girl. Now. For the plant_

_Now. Yes, I will!_

(He shoots, splattering blood all over Liz.)

Liz, wincing: I was not expecting that.

Kenneth, dragging the body out through the back: I hope this makes Tracy happy and he never asks for anything again. If there’s one thing I learned from history, it’s that appeasement always works!

**(INT-Skid Row Flower Shop. Tracy gobbles up Dennis’ body and Kenneth watches, mildly tiffed.)**

Kenneth: I hope you’re happy now. 

Tracy: Of course I am! But I won’t be for long. What about you, Ken? Haven’t you ever dreamed of something more?

(Kenneth stares thoughtfully into the middle distance.)

Kenneth: _A matchbox of our own_

_A fence of real chainlink_

_A grill out on the patio_

_Disposal in the sink_

_A washer and a dryer and an ironing machine_

_Are the wishes of the devil, lurking unseen_

No, sir, Mr. Tracy. Wanting is the whispering of Satan.

Tracy: No it’s not! Wanting things is great. Wanting means you’ll never be happy, but you think you will be.

Kenneth: Thinking is the devil’s sport.

Tracy: Come on. Don’t you love America?

Kenneth: Of course I do!

Tracy: And who’s the most American person you know?

Kenneth: I guess that would be my Mee-Maw. She gave birth to thirty kids and sat in the same rocking chair in the same decrepit old shack for sixty years. Why, she’s probably rocking in it right now!

Tracy: And who’s the second most American person you know?

Kenneth: I suppose that would be Mr. Donaghy…He picked himself up from nothing, and now he has more money than he can use in a lifetime, but he always wants more…

Tracy: And who would you rather be, Mee-Maw or Jack?

Kenneth: Well, since Mee-Maw died twenty years ago…I guess I’d rather be Mr. Donaghy!

Tracy: If you keep taking care of me, then I’ll take care of you.

Kenneth: Really? Like friends?

Tracy: Yeah, like friends!

Kenneth: Wow! And all I have to do is keep killing people?

Tracy: Yeah! 

**[Montage–Kenneth keeps killing, Tracy keeps eating, and Kenneth moves up the ranks at NBC]**

**[INT–Skid Row Flower Shop. Kenneth is in a suit.]**

Kenneth: Wow. To think, in just a few short months, I became second-in-command at NBC. But…

Tracy: What’s the matter, Ken?

Kenneth: Mr. Donaghy still treats me like dirt.

Tracy: You mean a beloved and valuable haven in which to grow?

Kenneth: No, like bad dirt. Like Nevada.

Tracy: Sounds like you need to show him who’s boss, like when my son was acting up, I wrestled him to the ground and bit his ear, like in Snow Dogs! Cuba Gooding Jr. taught me that.

Kenneth: But he’s still the boss.

Tracy: Do you think he’s going to be the boss forever?

Kenneth: No, silly. Humans are not wedded with the concept of eternity. Mortals perish, and their souls vanish with their bodies. 

Tracy: So show him who’s boss! He’s the only thing stopping you from being King Capitalist!

Kenneth: Err…

(Jack enters and hands Kenneth his jacket. Kenneth puts it too his nose, inhales deeply, and smiles before hanging it up) 

Kenneth: Hey, Mr. Donaghy, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.

Jack: “Hey?” You’ve gone back to being a cattleman now?

Kenneth: I was never a cattleman, I just collected decorative horse semen for weddings receptions. Anyway. I just wanted you to know, I’m second-in-command now…

Jack: I’m aware of the poor decisions and Horatio Alger-esque falling-upwards comedy of errors that have led to your promotions.

Kenneth: Well…we’re just about equal. I worked just as hard as you, and I made it up here faster than you did, and I think you should start (he whispers guiltily) treating me with respect. After all, I might have your job one day.

Jack: Hah! Good luck prying it from my cold dead hands.

Kenneth: If you retire…

Jack: I’m never going to retire. 

Kenneth: So then…the only way I can become King Capitalist is to wait for you to die…or…

Jack: Amass enough power, wealth, and influence to overthrow me? Good luck.

Kenneth: Well, that…or….

Jack: Destroy Jeff Bezos’ ninety-seven Horcruxes? Better get some SCUBA gear and a rocket ship.

Kenneth: No…I could…kill you.

Jack: What?

Kenneth: Instead of waiting for you to die, I could kill you. And feed you to the plant. Then he will make me King Capitalist and you’ll be plant food, the least noble food there is. 

Jack: Please, Kenneth, no, not a plant. Feed me to eels. Or to a pen of starving hogs. Something cool like that. Anything but a plant!

Liz (to the Urchins): But if this plays out like the show, then Kenneth will kill Jack…and Jenna will die! And then what will my life be?

**(Cut to The Girlie Show stage except it stars Amy Poehler instead of Jenna)**

Amy Poehler: In appreciation of our third Pulitzer, I’d like to devote an hour to honoring Virginia Woolf.

**(Cut back to Liz)**

Liz: _What we have here is an ethical dilemma–_

D’Fwan: Girl, stop. 

Liz: You said earlier that I can sometimes interact with the others, right?

Angie: Yeah, but only under specific sets.

Liz: Like what?

(Angie shrugs)

Liz: So what’s stopping me from taking the gun from Kenneth and killing him before he kills Jack?

Angie: Nothing, I guess…But wouldn’t that make you just as bad as him?

Liz: I don’t know, would it?

(Kenneth takes out his gun and points it at Jack)

Kenneth: Mr. Donaghy, I wanted to do this the nice way, but you are not very Christian. When I’m King Capitalist, I’m going to use my power to turn this great nation into a theocratic state, the way that God intended.

Liz: No, Kenneth!

Jack: Lemon? What are you doing here?

(She tries to wrestle the gun out off Kenneth’s hands, awkwardly)

Kenneth: Sorry, Ms. Lemon, that’s my horse semen hand. It’s forty pounds of muscle.

Liz: Jesus. 

Jack: Lemon, it’s fine. You’re in a drug-induced stupor.

Liz: A what?

[ **INT–Dentist office]**

Liz, groggily: Is that how the set changed so quickly?

Dentist: The procedure’s all done.

Liz: I had such a crazy hallucination. There was singing and murder and talking plants and you…weren’t there, oddly enough.

Dentist: I don’t care. Do you have anyone to take you home?

[Liz looks sad. The cast and crew of TGS shows up, singing the opening to _Company.]_

Josh: Lemon.

Jenna: Lemon.

Frank: Lemon, baby.

Peter: Lemon, bubi.

[The music stops]

Liz: Yes, I do.

[She texts someone on her phone. Kenneth is outside, waiting in a car]

Kenneth: Did you have a good time at your dentist appointment?

Liz: It was…interesting.

[Kenneth turns on the radio.]

Radio: President Parcell has issued sweeping laws against masturbation, or, as he calls it “seed spillage…”

[They drive away]


End file.
